Evagation
by ksfd89
Summary: Oneshot from Lorelai's POV set after Super Cool Party People in Season 6. Gilmore Girls isn't mine. Hope you all enjoy it!


**Oneshot set in season 6, after Super Cool Party People, from Lorelai's POV. Gilmore Girls isn't mine. I hope you enjoy it!**

She misses her. Lorelai watches as her boyfriend sweeps the diner, sends him a quick smile when he looks her way. Luke grins back before returning to the floor and Lorelai is grateful, hiding her face in the cup. She's pensive this evening. It's been a long week after a crazy weekend and Lorelai is relieved that it's Saturday; six whole days before going to her parents' house and one day of grace before Monday. She closes her eyes, going over last weekend's events. Lane got married, Luke was out of town and Rory dropped a bombshell on her about seeing Jess. Lorelai got drunk enough for all three of them and made a fool out of herself, but she's not going to think about that now. Once the hangover had shifted, there was only one thing she could think about, and that was her daughter's revelation: Rory is seeing Jess.

There isn't any more information and Lorelai knows Rory won't volunteer it. She simply slipped it into conversation, as if telling her mother she got a new book _– I went to Philadelphia, to see Jess_. So incredibly casual. Either Rory ignored the shock on her face or Lorelai is better at concealing emotion than she thought – it's definitely the former- and she went on to tell her Jess had an open house and she went. It took a moment for Lorelai to digest this and, after she said she didn't know Rory was seeing Jess Rory shrugged and said, _I'm not seeing him, we're just friends._ That was news to Lorelai. She would've pressed further but Rory was changing the subject, plus she was still perturbed by the picture of Rory with April. She's not sure which is making her more uneasy; the fact that her daughter has had more interaction with April than she had, before April's birthday, or that Rory would never have mentioned Philadelphia if the photo hadn't appeared on the screen.

Since when is Rory friends with Jess again? She hasn't seen him in two years and that was hardly a rousing success. Again, she was brief, but Lorelai knows what happened. He asked her to leave with him, go to New York, and when Rory said no he left. Jess left and that was that. They both moved on and now Rory is dating Logan Huntzberger. She's been in and out of Yale and now seems to be back on track, much to Lorelai's relief. When Rory told her she and Jess were friends it stunned her. Rory got defensive, when Lorelai asked if Logan knew, when she asked what she was missing. She didn't tell her mother to stop asking questions but it was there, in her expression and the way she ducked her eyes. Lorelai knows her daughter. The whole discussion has made her uncomfortable. If it's so innocent, why doesn't Logan know? His being in Costa Rica doesn't mean anything. Lorelai can tell Rory won't tell him, just as she won't tell Luke about getting drunk and humiliating herself with that speech. It concerns her, this secrecy, yet Lorelai knows she can't make Rory talk and fears that if she tries, Rory will shut her out. They're still making up for six months of not talking. Lorelai is positive there's more to this story but is sure she'll never hear, and it saddens her. She sips the coffee, to try and dispel the sadness, and it's gone cold. Lorelai involuntarily makes a face and Luke notices, comes over to change her cup. Lorelai thanks him, glad for the interruption, yet no sooner has Luke gone away her mind is full again.

She's worried about Rory all year. Lorelai has been nervous about her daughter for months, long before her dropping out of Yale, though she hasn't told Rory that. Lorelai can't pinpoint the exact moment but she never liked how Rory started seeing Dean again and then, afterwards, began hanging around with Logan and his friends, the Life and Death brigade and having what she called a casual relationship with Logan. It didn't work out and then she was fighting with him when he decided to commit. Lorelai remembers that evening, months ago, after Rory came back from dinner with his parents, freaking out about how they didn't like her and how Logan wanted to bolt. Lorelai was frank: if he wants to bolt, you let him bolt. God knows, you can't change someone, she knows that. She knows it, even if Rory naïvely doesn't, or her own mother, who wishes it were true. If someone doesn't want to be in a relationship, you can't force it. Lorelai knew it would all wind up with Rory getting hurt but just as there was that pause, where she could hear her daughter considering, there was a knock at the door and Logan was there, asking to try. Of course Rory said yes and happily told her mother there was nothing to worry about, but Lorelai isn't so sure about that. He cheated on her with a bunch of bridesmaids but just as Rory moved in with Paris they made up and now she's living with him. Lorelai is trying to be happy for them but it's not always easy, and she wonders if she should have put in a good word for Logan, when he came to her that time. Lorelai can't help her apprehension. She felt it when they were in jail together. She felt it when he stole that sewing box. She felt it, more than a year ago, when Rory came home drunk, after partying with him and his friends, wearing a tiara and diamonds.

Lorelai is a little regretful, seeing Rory drawn to that world. She ran away from that as soon as she could. Pregnancy pushed it forward a little but Lorelai knows, even if it hadn't happened, she'd still have left as soon as she finished high school. Lorelai remembers that first night, when Mia had given her a job and a place to live, how happy she was. How independent. She danced around the potting shed, Rory in her arms, drunk on the new power she felt. She had a job and a home for her daughter and she never, ever had to go to her parents for anything again. She never imagined having to go to them for money in the future. Lorelai doesn't regret it, not a for a second, but it seriously bruised her pride to have to go to them and beg them for Rory's tuition, which of course came with conditions. Lorelai knew it meant them being involved in Rory's life, but she thought that just meant during dinners and the odd school event. She never expected Rory to want that life, enjoy going to the country club and doing the whole debutante thing. Lorelai remembers hers, the preparation at least, before she found out she was pregnant. She wasn't showing much then but it would be complete joke for her to make an entrance to society when she so clearly wasn't a lady. Emily said so, in less delicate terms. Lorelai was sort of relieved she missed it, the humiliating walk and stupid dance, but she felt pangs for regret for years; imagining sneaking drinks from the bar and making fun of it all. She's sorry she humiliated her parents. They never would have understood, even if she hadn't got pregnant. She never wanted the life they set out for her and secretly it kills her that Rory does.

Lorelai is glad Rory has such a strong bond with her grandparents, but she can't help feeling sad, even if she tells herself not to be. She thinks back to when Rory started Chilton, when she had to go golfing with Richard, and had fun. She was so surprised and then Sookie teased her, saying she was jealous, and the worst part was that it was true. She could never get through to her parents. She never felt good enough for them. Lorelai knows she was hardly an angel child but they didn't listen to her either, never gave her space. She had to wear proper clothes every day, she had to act like a lady, she had to go to dinners with her dad's business friends and mingle. And when she said she wanted to miss just one, or say she'd rather go to the mall with some friends than attend a function at the club, they yelled at her. Lorelai couldn't understand how Rory actually enjoyed those things. Even before all this hideous fighting, before Yale, it was a gap they couldn't bridge. Rory simply wouldn't listen to Lorelai about how bad it was with her parents, how they couldn't just make up. Lorelai wasn't sure if she wanted to laugh or cry when her daughter earnestly suggested sitting down and just talking about what happened, all those years ago. Like it was that easy. Like she hadn't tried. Like she hadn't told her mother she was very young, very unhappy and needed to be somewhere else. Like she knew marrying Christopher would've made everything worse. Lorelai knows she has a big part to blame in the vicious cycle they get sucked into, but Emily never listens to any of it. She says the same thing every time; how Lorelai hurt them and destroyed any chance of a family with Christopher. There's no use but Rory refused to see it. She only knew the warm and fuzzy Richard and Emily, who surprised her with books and paid her tuition. Lorelai was never so angry as when her daughter went against her wishes and put her in their debt, when they had termites and she needed a loan. Of course she was grateful for the help, she had to be, but she didn't ask for it. Lorelai wasn't surprised, in the end, when her parents went against her wishes and let Rory stay with them, when she dropped out of Yale. She wasn't surprised Rory ran to them. It was just like before. _This is your do-over_.

The coffee is still warm but there's a chill in Lorelai's stomach. She should have handled it better. She should have done it differently, said something better when Rory told her she was quitting Yale. She was mad. Of course she was mad, she was furious, all that planning and hard work just for Rory to drop out halfway through Yale? After all those years of ambition? Rory was supposed to have everything she didn't and when she made that comment, about not understanding because she'd never been to college, Lorelai lost her temper. She'd never been lucky enough to go to college. Lorelai's not going to lie, she probably wouldn't have been a model student, but she'd have gone and she wouldn't drop out if some jerk told her she didn't have it, whatever _it_ was. It was one guy's opinion and Rory took it as gospel. It threw Lorelai to see her give in like that, her Rory, who read so voraciously and worked so hard. Rory had always wanted to go to college. She was Valedictorian. She'd always wanted to be a journalist, ever since she was a tiny kid. She wanted picture encyclopaedias for Christmas, she did extra credit work for fun. So they changed the plan from Harvard to Yale but it was still one of the best schools she could go to, and Rory seemed to be handling it fine. She was busier, of course, than at Chilton, and there was that whole mess with Dean, but she was doing okay. She still had an aim. And then one guy told her she couldn't do it – Logan's father, of all people – and Rory wanted to quit. Lorelai's head spun. She saw it all disappear; her daughter losing momentum, moving home and working at the bookstore and then Rory went to her grandparents and ended up in the DAR. How did it all get so out of hand? Lorelai knows she should've done it another way. She'd still tell Rory it was a mistake, that she was upset, but she'd listen. Let Rory say what was going on in her mind instead of yelling, much, Lorelai realises with regret, like Emily would. Rory didn't want to float, but floating had to be better than drowning. Lorelai doesn't know what it was which spurred Rory to come back, go back to school and move out of Emily and Richard's, but she's thankful. She's so thankful she doesn't care. She never wants to let her daughter go again. Rory came home, ran away like Lorelai.

The distance they still have aches and Lorelai is afraid to widen it, by asking Rory serious questions. Rory has never liked talking about her feelings anyway, even before their fight. Rory is so stoic, so like Richard and,Lorelai grudgingly admits, a little like her too. Lorelai silently worries about her daughter's choices. She distrusts Logan's family, is uncertain about Rory's entire relationship. What will happen, if Logan cheats again? Has Rory really forgiven him? She didn't answer her cellphone the entire weekend she came to stay with Lorelai, and it was obviously Logan. Lorelai is scared Rory will get hurt or, worse, she'll stay with him for the wrong reasons, especially seeing as Logan is in hospital after his stunt went awry. Rory's an adult, she has to respect that, but she's still so young. Rory is twenty-one and thinks she's invincible. Lorelai remembers that feeling; after all, when she was twenty-one she had a preschooler. Imagining Rory in that position terrifies her and Lorelai drinks more coffee, burning her throat. It must have terrified her mother, back then, but naturally they've never talked about it. She wishes she'd done that differently too, not shut them off so completely, but Lorelai felt she had little choice. She didn't mean to hurt them so badly, didn't know her mother went to bed for a month. Lorelai has tried to tell them so but then they say something cruel, about how she let Christopher go, how it's her fault he never settled, and all her goodwill vanishes as frustration takes place. They simply end up hurting each other. The idea of not being able to communicate with Rory, not know anything about her life, is too much to imagine and Lorelai gulps the last of the coffee, impervious to all the caffeine. It's upset her that Rory didn't tell her she went to Philadelphia.

Still, Lorelai shouldn't be so surprised. Rory has never been very forward about Jess. Even when he was in town, even before they dated, she was quiet about him. She told Lorelai to like him – insisted that she try – but when they dated she'd never talk about it. Lorelai would ask her about where they'd gone, if she'd had fun, but would only receive the simplest of answers. _We got Chinese food. We watched a movie. I borrowed his book._ Lorelai didn't expect a full narrative but more than two sentences, three if she was lucky. Rory didn't exactly gush over dates with Dean, but it was different, and not just because Dean changed the water bottle. She was never secretive like she was with Jess. Lorelai remembers that year, how when she saw her daughter reading it would always be a book Jess had lent or recommended, and she always had a smile on her face. Lorelai's never got it, this reading thing, but she loves it in her daughter and Lorelai's noticed Rory seems to read less now. Luke told her Jess wrote a book and Lorelai wonders if Rory's read it, what she thinks. It still seems strange. When it all fell apart, when Jess left town, Lorelai was sure it was over. She never expected him to come back and when he did, in Rory's freshman year, she was sure it was a fluke. She never predicted his returning to her daughter's life.

Lorelai can't think of what she would say to Jess. They never had the best relationship. That drove Rory crazy, how she didn't give him a second chance. She tried – not very hard, admittedly – but she didn't trust him. She knew Jesses. She was a kid too, she went out with Jesses too. She remembers what it's like; one minute you're secretly making out on the bed and the next you're sneaking out the window to hotwire your parents' car. Those boys always got into trouble and Lorelai would get in trouble too, although she knows she was responsible for half of it. Rory was such a sensible kid and it scared Lorelai to see her hang out with this boy who might get her hurt. It spooked her, however, when Emily told her to keep him away, and she knew Rory had a good judge of character. She let them be but when she got that phonecall, that awful night, where Rory told her she was in an accident, all Lorelai's fears came flooding back.

Lorelai's conscience gives a painful twinge. She handled that badly too, she knows. She knows she overreacted, knows she should have apologised, but she freaked out. Rory had a broken arm and all Lorelai could think about was how it could have been worse, so much worse. Her fear and anger took over and she ignored the reproach inside; of how it was really just an accident and could have happened to anyone, that she shouldn't have reacted that way. She shouldn't have yelled at Luke the way she did, blamed Jess like that. All summer, when they didn't talk, she'd walk past the diner, wanting to stop and go in. She wanted to apologise but she wouldn't. She couldn't. Lorelai hates this part of her, this stubborn pride, her inability to say she's sorry. It shouldn't be this hard but when she was a kid, saying sorry wasn't enough. If you did something wrong, you couldn't just apologise and forget about it. You had to stand up, say you were sorry and what you did wrong and if you tried to explain you were punished. Like when she tried to smoke one of Richard's cigars, to see what the big deal was. Like when she tried on Emily's dress and upended a bottle of perfume all over it. Lorelai would be mad too, with the perfume being a hundred dollars and the dress thrice that, but she didn't know. She was ten. She wanted to be glamorous like her mother. Emily banned her from playing outside for a week. Whenever she tries to apologise, that feeling comes back. It's still there now, when she tries to talk to her parents. It was there when she talked to Christopher, about how she felt she was waiting for him, and he shouted at her. Still, Lorelai knows she should have said it to Luke. She knows he'd never be that way with her and it's the least he deserves. He looks up and smiles and she smiles back fondly, clutching the cup. She loves Luke so much, knew she wanted to marry him when he showed how much he cared about Rory. She can't picture life without him.

"Need a refill?"

"Please."

Lorelai holds out her cup and he pours in more coffee. She makes conversation, asks about Jess's open house and his book, and when she asks about Rory being there Luke hedges, says he thought Rory would tell her, and that he and April left soon after she arrived. Lorelai breezily says it's fine. She changes the subject back to Jess and Luke is relieved, talks proudly about how well his nephew has done. Lorelai smiles, happy for him, and slightly curious. She and Jess last spoke when his mother got married, the same night she and Luke started to date. He seemed much older than the boy who cleaned her rain gutters, sarcastically saw the end of Rory and Dean's relationship. Lorelai angrily dismissed him but he was right. Beforehand, when they ate in the kitchen, they had some smalltalk which went surprisingly well, especially considering their initial conversation. As they shared a joke about Luke Lorelai thought she could see what Rory liked in this kid. She felt the same as she talked Luke into giving the talk at the school, but they never talked beyond that. Lorelai knows she could've tried, but she didn't want to. She was stubborn. She wonders what it would be like to talk to him now.

It all seems so long ago, Rory going out with Jess, but she remembers that after she let go of her initial worry, of them getting into trouble, there was a whole other terror when she found them horizontal on the couch. That's another thing she knows, how quick it is to have sex as a teenager, the rush you feel, what the result of that can be. When Rory told her she was thinking of having sex with Jess her heart almost stopped. She didn't tell Rory that but they both knew it. Jess and Rory didn't have sex in the end, their relationship didn't work out, but clearly things aren't over. They weren't over when Rory, of all people, skipped school to see him, in New York and now, as she secretly drives to Philadelphia to be with him. The memory shines in Lorelai's mind; Rory running to meet her after missing her graduation, sobbing about going to see Jess, refusing to listen when Lorelai said she was falling for him. Lorelai knew it had to mean something, her going to New York like that, without telling anyone and this, too, seems the same. Rory and Jess have grown up, are in different places, but Lorelai can see what it says. She doesn't believe they are only friends, that Rory simply went to the open house, that there is nothing else to tell. The only difference is that Rory isn't telling her everything, crying in her arms, and Lorelai wishes she would. She wishes she could tell her daughter she can come to her, that she won't get mad, that it's okay not to know. That she doesn't have to stay with Logan, even if he's injured, that she's had a rough year and if she's confused about Jess, she can let herself be. Lorelai thinks she should have told Rory that, years ago. She told her to let herself love but not how to let go.

Luke puts down the broom and stretches, done for the night. Lorelai puts the cup down and goes over, touching his arm.

"Want to do something fun?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know." If she were in a better mood she'd make a dirty joke and giggle, watch him roll his eyes and grin, but instead suggests, "A movie?"

"Sure." Luke looks at her and asks, "Everything okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"You look like you're thinking."

Lorelai shrugs.

"I'm just wondering about Rory."

"What about her?"

"Nothing, really. I'm a little surprised about Philadelphia. Rory not mentioning it, I mean."

"Well, maybe she felt weird," Luke says uncomfortably. "Bumping into me and April."

"Maybe," Lorelai agrees. There's an awkward moment as they look into each other's eyes and then Luke coughs, says he needs to put the broom away. Lorelai nods, thinking about what her mother said, about needing to know April, how she holds everyone at arm's length and is too cautious, but she can't face a discussion now. She's tired from worrying about Rory and, as Luke comes back, she says,

"Hey, do you think something went on between Jess and Rory?"

"What do you mean?"

"Just that she went to see him and didn't tell me."

"I guess," Luke shrugs. "It'd be great, wouldn't it?"

"Really?"

"Well, why not? He's got a great place in Philadelphia, he's published a book and he seems really good right now. I think he and Rory would be happy together, and I think she's better off than with this Yale guy."

"Luke."

"I know," Luke says, putting his hands in the air. "It's just – Rory seems so up and down with him. She'd wouldn't be like that with Jess."

Lorelai mulls this and Luke adds,

"You know, I think he went to see her. He asked me for her address."

"What?"

"I spoke to him a few months ago," Luke says, looking embarrassed. "He asked for Rory's address. I don't know if he went to see her, but he was in the area."

"Rory never said anything."

"Maybe he never went," Luke says quickly. "I don't know."

Lorelai nods, her mind spinning and Luke anxiously asks,

"I hope it's okay, that I gave him the address. It was when you and Rory weren't talking."

"It's fine," Lorelai says hastily. "You didn't do anything wrong."

She waits for Luke to finish closing up and then asks,

"Hey, when did Jess talk to you?"

"I guess a few months ago," Luke says. "Around the time Rory went back to Yale."

"Oh."

If Luke knows what she's thinking he doesn't say anything and, instead, suggests,

"Hey, let's go see a movie, like you wanted. You pick."

"You won't like anything playing," Lorelai says dully and he smiles.

"You will, though. It's okay, I'll nap a little and you can tell me all about it on the way home."

Lorelai laughs in spite of herself and nods her head.

"Okay. I'll just grab my purse."

Luke goes to get his jacket and Lorelai slows slides her purse strap over her shoulder. What does this mean? Did Jess say something and, if he did, has Rory deliberately kept it from her? Has she told anyone? Lorelai knows she hasn't, even as she thinks it. She knows there is something deeper than friendship between them, more than a simple meeting. Lorelai also knows Rory won't tell her, will shy away if she asks and all she can do is wait. Lorelai wonders how it would be if Rory broke up with Logan, went back to Jess. She'd be less worried now. She wishes she could talk to Jess, say she's sorry for not giving him a chance, ask if they can have a do-over. Tell him she thinks his open house is wonderful, that she's thrilled that he wrote a book. Say she knows there's something strong between him and her daughter and if Rory talks to him, tells him what's going on. Lorelai doesn't think, even if Jess were to see her again, that she'd be brave enough to say all these things, but she imagines it, all the same. She does hope, if Jess were to come back, that they could start over. A lot of time has passed.

"Lorelai? Are you ready?"

She smiles, takes his arm.

"Let's go."

They leave the diner, Luke locking up and, as she waits, Lorelai looks up at the stars. They wink back at her, in a friendly way, and she smiles, thinking back to that old story about the town's name. Luke scoffs at it, saying it's not true, but Lorelai doesn't care if it isn't. She loves this town, thinks of how she found it all those years ago and the haven it offered her and her daughter. She hopes Rory will come home soon and the two of them will walk, like they used to, talking and sharing jokes. Maybe Rory will hesitate, as she does before saying something she's worried about, and Lorelai will stop, wait and listen. Rory will start telling her the truth about Philadelphia, whatever it may be, and Lorelai will say it's okay if she screwed up, if she needs to make a change, that being an adult doesn't mean knowing everything. She'll tell her the truth too, how she worries about how April is fitting into her life, how she fears their marriage won't come to be, but she loves Luke as much as ever. Rory will listen, get the concerned frown she has when she concentrates, tell her mom it'll be okay, that they'll figure it out. Lorelai will laugh, hug her hard and they'll walk down the road together. The way they always have.


End file.
